a real post this time

mood: bored, still a bit anxious
music: something random, maybe a ballad from the 90s

I just remembered: I'm already 21. And I haven't drank a dram of alcohol yet. Strange.

In other news, my computer has been spazzing out more lately. At random times it freezes operation and goes black, though the hardware is still running (the fan is still on, the hard drive still spins, it still makes system beeps). It's getting better, especially because I've been trying to keep it busy by ALWAYS playing locally-stored music in the background. It's definitely a hardware issue, as it also blacks out when abruptly moved. It's been okay for a while, but I know I'll need to get it fixed soon (which, knowing the computer helpdesk, means a reimage, at the very least, which means hours backing up media, going to the helpdesk to wipe out its soul, and reteaching the newly wiped computer how to do its old tricks. I don't know why all this is happening to my computer: I treat it well, update it regularly, run the antivirus like a hypochondriac, keep it clean, and don't handle it improperly. And this is what I get?

Coming back to school, I felt uncertain as to what will happen over the course of the next two years. I might be lucky enough to find a loan to pay for this semester's tuition, get a research position on campus (and a nice stipend), finish my stay here in RPI, graduate, and even go to graduate school. Or I might be unlucky enough to not be able to afford going to school, be forced to work until I have good enough credit to possibly get a student loan, find out that the economy is too deep in the shitter to give lowly me a loan for one more year of college, and be forced to enlist in the military, where I plead to my dying day to claim conscientious objector status just so I don't get exposed to combat (and imminent death). I REALLY need a job, every since financial aid yanked work-study away from me last semester, because I probably won't be able to get a loan otherwise; you see, according to how screwed-up the financial world is, my parents can't cosign my loans because of "too many financial obligations," yet I can't seem to get any good financial aid because they make "too much money" (technical term). WTF? Since when is "middle class poverty" reason to NOT help out people? As a result, I've tried to drastically control my spending by forcing myself to use a spreadsheet to track down expenses and revenues (currently $0.00, with bank balances only in the double digits). At least my credit card is clean.

Every day, I try to say to myself:
One day at a time, I will make my way through my life. Some days I'm ahead, some (more like most) days I'm behind, but the race is long, and in the end, it's only with myself.

hey look, another post....

mood: bored, slightly anxious (my computer may die out at any moment)
music: whatever will keep my computer running (it keeps it busy)

(disclaimer: I've been trying to write one entry for the past few weeks now, but never got around to finishing it, much less posting it...)

I've been thinking a lot lately...


After some thought, I realized:

I have no dream.



Seriously. I feel like I have nothing to live for, except to do what I like doing for the rest of my life. No overarching ambitions, no ultimate goal, and, I'm surprised to say, little ambition. All I really want to do for the rest of my life to be truly happy (I know, I'm barely in my 20s, so that automatically means I "don't know a damn thing" (Jim David, Comedy Central Presents)) is to be a gardener/groundskeeper at a college somewhere and learn as much as I want, about anything I want, for free. (think "Good Will Hunting" here, except without the good looks and the mathematical prowess.)

Which got me thinking, and leading me to realize another thing:

I have not once experienced a good long hard day of work, and the pleasure of rest afterwards.

also:

I have never had a real "job," the 9-to-5 kind with nothing to do at night save to go to work the next morning.

I admit it: I have been spoiled. It comes partly from my luck of being from a great, loving family, one that supports me in whatever I do, gives me great advice, unnecessarily buys me stuff, and gives me a roof over my head, even after college with "free rent," according to my mom. I sincerely thank my parents for all that they have done for me, but I feel that a lot of the responsibility of the relationship has shifted to the children (i.e., me), now that they are all old enough to be self-sufficient. And I fear that I will not be able to care for my parents as well as they have taken care of me, and for that I carry a bit of shame. Never mind the other things that I just don't have the heart to tell them, like the fact that I'm probably going to have to withdraw from college because the banks won't give me any more money, and that the first stable thing I'm probably going to do afterward is to join the military (that, or a monastic order). It might seem like an easy way out of my troubles, but these are trying times that we live in, and any stability is highly sought after.

... and that's where the original post ends.

I'll have to keep thinking about those things, when I actually have the time (which I do, seeing as it's a long weekend).