hey look, another post....

mood: bored, slightly anxious (my computer may die out at any moment)
music: whatever will keep my computer running (it keeps it busy)

(disclaimer: I've been trying to write one entry for the past few weeks now, but never got around to finishing it, much less posting it...)

I've been thinking a lot lately...


After some thought, I realized:

I have no dream.



Seriously. I feel like I have nothing to live for, except to do what I like doing for the rest of my life. No overarching ambitions, no ultimate goal, and, I'm surprised to say, little ambition. All I really want to do for the rest of my life to be truly happy (I know, I'm barely in my 20s, so that automatically means I "don't know a damn thing" (Jim David, Comedy Central Presents)) is to be a gardener/groundskeeper at a college somewhere and learn as much as I want, about anything I want, for free. (think "Good Will Hunting" here, except without the good looks and the mathematical prowess.)

Which got me thinking, and leading me to realize another thing:

I have not once experienced a good long hard day of work, and the pleasure of rest afterwards.

also:

I have never had a real "job," the 9-to-5 kind with nothing to do at night save to go to work the next morning.

I admit it: I have been spoiled. It comes partly from my luck of being from a great, loving family, one that supports me in whatever I do, gives me great advice, unnecessarily buys me stuff, and gives me a roof over my head, even after college with "free rent," according to my mom. I sincerely thank my parents for all that they have done for me, but I feel that a lot of the responsibility of the relationship has shifted to the children (i.e., me), now that they are all old enough to be self-sufficient. And I fear that I will not be able to care for my parents as well as they have taken care of me, and for that I carry a bit of shame. Never mind the other things that I just don't have the heart to tell them, like the fact that I'm probably going to have to withdraw from college because the banks won't give me any more money, and that the first stable thing I'm probably going to do afterward is to join the military (that, or a monastic order). It might seem like an easy way out of my troubles, but these are trying times that we live in, and any stability is highly sought after.

... and that's where the original post ends.

I'll have to keep thinking about those things, when I actually have the time (which I do, seeing as it's a long weekend).