a real post this time

mood: bored, still a bit anxious
music: something random, maybe a ballad from the 90s

I just remembered: I'm already 21. And I haven't drank a dram of alcohol yet. Strange.

In other news, my computer has been spazzing out more lately. At random times it freezes operation and goes black, though the hardware is still running (the fan is still on, the hard drive still spins, it still makes system beeps). It's getting better, especially because I've been trying to keep it busy by ALWAYS playing locally-stored music in the background. It's definitely a hardware issue, as it also blacks out when abruptly moved. It's been okay for a while, but I know I'll need to get it fixed soon (which, knowing the computer helpdesk, means a reimage, at the very least, which means hours backing up media, going to the helpdesk to wipe out its soul, and reteaching the newly wiped computer how to do its old tricks. I don't know why all this is happening to my computer: I treat it well, update it regularly, run the antivirus like a hypochondriac, keep it clean, and don't handle it improperly. And this is what I get?

Coming back to school, I felt uncertain as to what will happen over the course of the next two years. I might be lucky enough to find a loan to pay for this semester's tuition, get a research position on campus (and a nice stipend), finish my stay here in RPI, graduate, and even go to graduate school. Or I might be unlucky enough to not be able to afford going to school, be forced to work until I have good enough credit to possibly get a student loan, find out that the economy is too deep in the shitter to give lowly me a loan for one more year of college, and be forced to enlist in the military, where I plead to my dying day to claim conscientious objector status just so I don't get exposed to combat (and imminent death). I REALLY need a job, every since financial aid yanked work-study away from me last semester, because I probably won't be able to get a loan otherwise; you see, according to how screwed-up the financial world is, my parents can't cosign my loans because of "too many financial obligations," yet I can't seem to get any good financial aid because they make "too much money" (technical term). WTF? Since when is "middle class poverty" reason to NOT help out people? As a result, I've tried to drastically control my spending by forcing myself to use a spreadsheet to track down expenses and revenues (currently $0.00, with bank balances only in the double digits). At least my credit card is clean.

Every day, I try to say to myself:
One day at a time, I will make my way through my life. Some days I'm ahead, some (more like most) days I'm behind, but the race is long, and in the end, it's only with myself.