yeah, I went there...
There's a lot on my mind on this late night. I really should be asleep, as I have a class at 8am later today, but I felt compelled to write.
So since my last writing, I moved into my housing for the year: an apartment on campus (technically, not functionally) with three of my fellow brothers, all with very different backgrounds, experiences, and personalities... but I'll get to that on a later post. I then spent the week before NRB at home, which became my undoing.
I though it would be harmless enough, enjoyable even: a week of rest and food, spent with family, especially because of the presence of two very strong-willed Philippine aunts: a realist in Staten Island, and a traditionalist from the Philippines slated to visit. It turned out to be a couple of days preparing the house for close familial scrutiny, then a couple of enlightening days with family. I learned a lot (like how to paint over ugly wood paneling), but the experience also left me greatly confused and uncertain.
First, some background. My traditionalist aunt is a pretty high-up individual in Philippine government: she works for the department of health for the country, responsible for the health of the nation's citizens, and came to the States as the Philippine delegation for some international public health conference. My realist aunt is a high-up nurse at a Brooklyn hospital, the culmination of years of hard work as a single mother and immigrant worker. Both can tell you that the best way to go for Filipinos (or anyone, really) these days are nursing and especially medicine. Now, at the time, I had counted out the pursuit of medicine as a viable option, due to my grades and lack of interest in the field, but suddenly it has been pushed back in my face: go to medical school in the Philippines, and come back to the States to take licensing exams and practice (and roll in the big bucks). My parents and relatives all think that this is a definite possibility, as they are aware of another Filipino who is already doing so (a recent American nursing graduate who is currently a med student at a Philippine medical school). They also assure me that I could go to the most prestigious of medical schools if I so wanted; the only problem, though, is that I don't speak the dialect. But I am sure that they, as well as the entire family, could die happy if I (or my sister, herself a recent American nursing graduate) took medicine up.
The week started with a visit to the realist; long story short, the message was: "Pursue medicine, if you know what's good for your future. You're a bright kid, you can do it. Trust me. No pressure, though." The traditionalist, a doctor herself, came a couple of days later; her message: "Become the most successful in your generation by upholding the line of doctors in the family." A couple of days later, my father, who I talk to a lot about lots of things, who is also himself a doctor, delivered the coup de grace of messages: "Are you willing to put your family through hardship as you work your way to an uncertain, difficult future?"
All this left me starting my senior year of college not knowing what to do next. I began to think about Asian vs. American philosophies on life, and how they affected people's choices and actions, especially during college. The Asian way is that of success by collectivist thinking and being able to support one's family; that is why there are lots of Asian kids pursuing fields like engineering and the sciences (especially such high-demand, high-paying health science fields as medicine, pharmacy, and nursing), in the hopes of a comfortable life and helping out the family, both parents and relatives abroad. This way is not unique: these aspirations are also those of anyone from the third world, or anyone who has faced third-world realities. It, however, does not leave much room for following one's own personal aspirations and dreams, unless they coincide with substantial monetary gain, or if one already dreams of beceoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer, pharmacist, etc.
On the other hand, the American way is that of following your passion, no matter the cost, symbolized by the common phrase, "Do what you love, and the money will come later." This way emphasizes success by individualist thinking, personal fulfillment, and a great deal of autonomy and independence. It is a very tempting avenue during college, as seen by the multitudes of students pursuing realistically worthless liberal arts majors. However, I have found that that way assumes some sort of pre-existing wealth, or some sort of "starving artist" period when one struggles to find employment in their field of study, eventually settling for a menial job in another field entirely to tide them over, and staying in that field forever. While this may be the norm in American culture, is is highly discouraged, even anathema, in Asian culture, and simply not a good idea during these days of economic uncertainty.
This all has boiled down to a handful of pressing questions.
1. Which choice is easier? Is it easier to go to an American graduate school for a career in academia or the horticultural industry, or to pursue medicine, a field I'm not really interested in, for the next six years, while immersing myself head-first into Philippine culture and a way of life utterly alien to me?
2. What exactly does "easy" mean? Does it mean keeping my American-style autonomy and pursuing what I love, but living my life crippled by debt? Or does it mean financial and career stability by being shooed-in into medical school and supported by family, but resigning myself to six more years of studies that I'm only marginally interested in, to prepare for a career in which I may not be truly happy?
3. What am I willing to lose? Dignity and autonomy? Hopes, dreams, and aspirations? Family support? My family's financial well-being? My own financial stability? Occupational stability? It's a good thing that I'm still young, because I still have my whole life to make up for what I'll lose with these choices.
All through this, I find myself reciting Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" for solace. Very appropriate, but not too helpful.
The predicament carries on. But now it's time for bed. More later.
10 September, 2009
08 August, 2009
a look back at the summer
music: "Layla" by Derek and the Dominos, especially the instrumental part (believe me, it's a good thing)
It's been a weird couple of weeks. A lot has happened, and a lot more will follow.
In the past two weeks alone there was an emotional upheaval. I recognized the five stages of grief early on, which I found myself going through. (my psych classes and tuition dollars at work!) It all started waaaaay back last December, when I inexplicably was unable to get a loan to cover tuition for the spring semester. I thought little of it, pushing it far away in my mind, especially when the spring semester started. A bursar hold put things in perspective a little while, but it was soon brushed off. Lo and behold, it threatened to evolve into a "mandatory financial leave of absence" (i.e., "GTFO and don't come back without my money, y'hear?") if I didn't take action. So, I finally applied for loans with various terms, doubting my efforts along the way, causing me to reflect and undergo the stages of grief.
I must have jumped directly into the anger stage, as I clearly was in disbelief throughout the semester; that lasted a few moments or so, then bargaining began, which lasted for a few days. I then spent a good bit of time in the depression stage, and admittedly turned a bit emo by shedding a couple of tears. (These tears could also have been from downloading and listening to the Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack lately, and having the "Fisherman's Horizon" theme resonate with my situation, causing me to break open like a cloudburst.) Acceptance came soon after, with me planning out my course of action: thinking of ways to soften the blow to my parents, concocting appropriate twitter status messages so my situation wasn't so obvious, examining the NYC job market and community choir audition schedules ahead of time, and so on. I thought I was ready to accept my fate, but I had too much to lose: too many memories, experiences, and responsibilities would have been left behind if I had closed myself off. So I didn't, and resigned myself to at least try to set things right.
On the last day, the week of weeks, everything fell into place. I started doing what I had to do to stay in school. It worked. On the last morning, I marched (er, indignantly biked, to the tune of "Savages" from Pocahontas) to the Financial Aid/Bursar's office and did a lot of talking. Two hours later, the situation was assuaged, and my financial situation (as far as the Bursar's office is concerned, anyway) is okay again.
I've also learned a lot this summer. Good advice has come to me from a whole host of sources: friends, brothers, kind and knowledgeable strangers, and inanimate objects. Where I come from, what I want, what I should do: all were answered, in some way. But that's another post.
Now, I'm packing my personal effects and lugging it all the way up the hill to the historic and charming (i.e., dilapidated yet homey) apartments. Books and most clothing are already up, with the rest still to do. My last night in a place, as always, is spent awake, enjoying my last moments here, while not risking waking up late for a bus/train/transportation appointment, which I know I am prone to do, given the chance.
So here I am, typing away to weird music, my room just hours away from being mine no longer, my mind and belongings prodding me as I type: the former yearning for sleep, and the latter yearning to be packed and moved. The upcoming year should be the most intense year of my life so far; I'd better make the most of it and do.
That's my word for the upcoming semester, I've just decided: Do.
It's been a weird couple of weeks. A lot has happened, and a lot more will follow.
In the past two weeks alone there was an emotional upheaval. I recognized the five stages of grief early on, which I found myself going through. (my psych classes and tuition dollars at work!) It all started waaaaay back last December, when I inexplicably was unable to get a loan to cover tuition for the spring semester. I thought little of it, pushing it far away in my mind, especially when the spring semester started. A bursar hold put things in perspective a little while, but it was soon brushed off. Lo and behold, it threatened to evolve into a "mandatory financial leave of absence" (i.e., "GTFO and don't come back without my money, y'hear?") if I didn't take action. So, I finally applied for loans with various terms, doubting my efforts along the way, causing me to reflect and undergo the stages of grief.
I must have jumped directly into the anger stage, as I clearly was in disbelief throughout the semester; that lasted a few moments or so, then bargaining began, which lasted for a few days. I then spent a good bit of time in the depression stage, and admittedly turned a bit emo by shedding a couple of tears. (These tears could also have been from downloading and listening to the Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack lately, and having the "Fisherman's Horizon" theme resonate with my situation, causing me to break open like a cloudburst.) Acceptance came soon after, with me planning out my course of action: thinking of ways to soften the blow to my parents, concocting appropriate twitter status messages so my situation wasn't so obvious, examining the NYC job market and community choir audition schedules ahead of time, and so on. I thought I was ready to accept my fate, but I had too much to lose: too many memories, experiences, and responsibilities would have been left behind if I had closed myself off. So I didn't, and resigned myself to at least try to set things right.
On the last day, the week of weeks, everything fell into place. I started doing what I had to do to stay in school. It worked. On the last morning, I marched (er, indignantly biked, to the tune of "Savages" from Pocahontas) to the Financial Aid/Bursar's office and did a lot of talking. Two hours later, the situation was assuaged, and my financial situation (as far as the Bursar's office is concerned, anyway) is okay again.
I've also learned a lot this summer. Good advice has come to me from a whole host of sources: friends, brothers, kind and knowledgeable strangers, and inanimate objects. Where I come from, what I want, what I should do: all were answered, in some way. But that's another post.
Now, I'm packing my personal effects and lugging it all the way up the hill to the historic and charming (i.e., dilapidated yet homey) apartments. Books and most clothing are already up, with the rest still to do. My last night in a place, as always, is spent awake, enjoying my last moments here, while not risking waking up late for a bus/train/transportation appointment, which I know I am prone to do, given the chance.
So here I am, typing away to weird music, my room just hours away from being mine no longer, my mind and belongings prodding me as I type: the former yearning for sleep, and the latter yearning to be packed and moved. The upcoming year should be the most intense year of my life so far; I'd better make the most of it and do.
That's my word for the upcoming semester, I've just decided: Do.
01 June, 2009
another night gone, just like that...
"you can sleep when you're dead." -Amy, on one of our long biochemistry study all-nighters
oh look, a nice sunrise. dammit, I spent another night awake! I had every intention of being a sane, normal human being and sleep, at latest, at 1am, when I actually felt sleepy. but no, I had to keep doing work (that was waaaaaaaaaaayy overdue) and have the sun sneak up on me! it's not even 5am yet, and it's already light out! my, how time flies...
I've been a real slacker by doing the concert choir music inventory so late: technically, classes ended a MONTH ago, and I had all that time to go through all the sheet music, contact the delinquents before they made their mass exodus from campus, and lug all that paper down to the ancient music library in West Hall. now I'm desperately stalking people on facebook just to obtain their whereabouts and whether they've run for their lives from campus yet, or are still around. oh well; better late than never, as I always say.
in other news, I might be getting my own bicycle soon. yay! if this woman from craigslist ever gets back to me (before she moves away), I just might get a bike, for the low-low price of a trek over to someplace in Green Island; otherwise, I'd probably go to the Troy Bike Rescue and see if I can get a fixer-upper bike for cheap while learning a thing or two about how exactly to take care of it, which would be cool.
other than that, I have a ton on my plate right now. paperwork to do, people to contact, places to go, music to arrange, and a sleep schedule gone amok that needs to be reined in. gaaa! so much work to do, it's already Monday morning, and I haven't even slept yet!
oh look, a nice sunrise. dammit, I spent another night awake! I had every intention of being a sane, normal human being and sleep, at latest, at 1am, when I actually felt sleepy. but no, I had to keep doing work (that was waaaaaaaaaaayy overdue) and have the sun sneak up on me! it's not even 5am yet, and it's already light out! my, how time flies...
I've been a real slacker by doing the concert choir music inventory so late: technically, classes ended a MONTH ago, and I had all that time to go through all the sheet music, contact the delinquents before they made their mass exodus from campus, and lug all that paper down to the ancient music library in West Hall. now I'm desperately stalking people on facebook just to obtain their whereabouts and whether they've run for their lives from campus yet, or are still around. oh well; better late than never, as I always say.
in other news, I might be getting my own bicycle soon. yay! if this woman from craigslist ever gets back to me (before she moves away), I just might get a bike, for the low-low price of a trek over to someplace in Green Island; otherwise, I'd probably go to the Troy Bike Rescue and see if I can get a fixer-upper bike for cheap while learning a thing or two about how exactly to take care of it, which would be cool.
other than that, I have a ton on my plate right now. paperwork to do, people to contact, places to go, music to arrange, and a sleep schedule gone amok that needs to be reined in. gaaa! so much work to do, it's already Monday morning, and I haven't even slept yet!
30 May, 2009
a time of relative stability
Things are kinda stable at the moment. As I type, the sun is rising in the Brunswick hills to the east, as seen from my new north-facing window. not ideal for horticultural purposes, but it's actually better for the summer, as there's more shade and little sweltering sunshine coming in.
speaking of sunshine, it's funny that I've never taken the time to watch a sunrise before. I've seen a lot of sunsets, and a good amount of times when I've stayed up long enough to notice that it's suddenly light out (thanks mostly to biochemistry exams), but I've never actually noticed how beautiful it is. you'd think that it's just sunset backwards, but it's not: it's more energizing, yet tranquil, than the standard sunset (which, living on a hill, we take for granted here). for me, sunset means another long night of work, full of laptop time, nose-in-the-books time, and, inevitably, guilty-procrastination time. on all those all-nighters, sunrise meant, "shitshitshit, only a couple more hours until my 8:30am exam || until I have to hand this in." nowadays, it just means, "you spent another night dicking around on the internets again? oh well, this is your beautiful, natural reminder that YOU NEED TO SLEEP!!" sings the first bird as a welcome to the rising sun.
this is usually my cue to stop what I'm doing (nowadays, forumwarz, I'm afraid), take the crap off of my bed, lie down, read a chapter of "Watchmen", and doze off until I have to get to work at noon. After work ends at 5 or so, there's some time to mess aorund on the internets longer, then go down to the kitchen to cook for myself for at least two hours (what can I say, I love to cook), then mess around a little bit more, at least until the sun comes up again. ah, summer sleep schedules.
I should probably explain what I've been up to. I actually got the RA position, so I'm on campus for the summer. I get a free room and some pocket money (not much) to spend on food. in return, I work in the residence life office, take care of lots of paperwork, and take responsibility for the well-being of more than 50 people in my hall. I'm a bit nervous, but I think I'll do fine, as long as I don't mess anything up as royally as I did last summer. it's kind of interesting to be an authority figure: to be respected and given so much power, and yet have so much responsibility. I can do a lot, but a lot can also go wrong. one step at a time, I guess, unless there's a fire, in which case, run as carefully and authoritatively as possible!
as for research, I've had no luck. my lab group might have forgotten that I intended to stay for the summer, or something... the grad students are busy being worried about their doctoral candidacy exams, and the PI is off on another trip, so I don't know what to do. until they all get back to work in the lab, I'll just be whiling the hours away in my room, watching anime, arranging a cappella music, stumbling around on the internets, or (gasp!) writing blog entries. thus has been my life for the past two weeks or so.
as for money... I'd rather not talk about it for a while.
one strange thing I've found about myself is that I can go for long stretches without eating much. all I've eaten in the past twenty-four hours was a banana, sometime before the sun went down. and it's either that I don't eat, or I can't stop eating snacks (I keep some crackers and peanut butter in my room). one reason for this is how far away the kitchen is: it's four floors below me, so having a meal, no matter how small, requires some effort. I think the main reason, however, is because of my schedule: I find that all I do most of the day is sit in front of the computer, engrossed in something for a good while, or sleeping. don't know why, but under those conditions I usually don't have an appetite.
that reminds me... I need to eat. I'll definitely be posting more in the future.
speaking of sunshine, it's funny that I've never taken the time to watch a sunrise before. I've seen a lot of sunsets, and a good amount of times when I've stayed up long enough to notice that it's suddenly light out (thanks mostly to biochemistry exams), but I've never actually noticed how beautiful it is. you'd think that it's just sunset backwards, but it's not: it's more energizing, yet tranquil, than the standard sunset (which, living on a hill, we take for granted here). for me, sunset means another long night of work, full of laptop time, nose-in-the-books time, and, inevitably, guilty-procrastination time. on all those all-nighters, sunrise meant, "shitshitshit, only a couple more hours until my 8:30am exam || until I have to hand this in." nowadays, it just means, "you spent another night dicking around on the internets again? oh well, this is your beautiful, natural reminder that YOU NEED TO SLEEP!!" sings the first bird as a welcome to the rising sun.
this is usually my cue to stop what I'm doing (nowadays, forumwarz, I'm afraid), take the crap off of my bed, lie down, read a chapter of "Watchmen", and doze off until I have to get to work at noon. After work ends at 5 or so, there's some time to mess aorund on the internets longer, then go down to the kitchen to cook for myself for at least two hours (what can I say, I love to cook), then mess around a little bit more, at least until the sun comes up again. ah, summer sleep schedules.
I should probably explain what I've been up to. I actually got the RA position, so I'm on campus for the summer. I get a free room and some pocket money (not much) to spend on food. in return, I work in the residence life office, take care of lots of paperwork, and take responsibility for the well-being of more than 50 people in my hall. I'm a bit nervous, but I think I'll do fine, as long as I don't mess anything up as royally as I did last summer. it's kind of interesting to be an authority figure: to be respected and given so much power, and yet have so much responsibility. I can do a lot, but a lot can also go wrong. one step at a time, I guess, unless there's a fire, in which case, run as carefully and authoritatively as possible!
as for research, I've had no luck. my lab group might have forgotten that I intended to stay for the summer, or something... the grad students are busy being worried about their doctoral candidacy exams, and the PI is off on another trip, so I don't know what to do. until they all get back to work in the lab, I'll just be whiling the hours away in my room, watching anime, arranging a cappella music, stumbling around on the internets, or (gasp!) writing blog entries. thus has been my life for the past two weeks or so.
as for money... I'd rather not talk about it for a while.
one strange thing I've found about myself is that I can go for long stretches without eating much. all I've eaten in the past twenty-four hours was a banana, sometime before the sun went down. and it's either that I don't eat, or I can't stop eating snacks (I keep some crackers and peanut butter in my room). one reason for this is how far away the kitchen is: it's four floors below me, so having a meal, no matter how small, requires some effort. I think the main reason, however, is because of my schedule: I find that all I do most of the day is sit in front of the computer, engrossed in something for a good while, or sleeping. don't know why, but under those conditions I usually don't have an appetite.
that reminds me... I need to eat. I'll definitely be posting more in the future.
07 April, 2009
now are the days of uncertainty
I still find myself posting only once per month without thinking about it. Even though I swore to myself that I would blog more often. Oh well. The need to blog flows and ebbs in cycles, apparently.
I find myself uncertain about the next few months in my life. Summer is rearing its ugly head, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I still haven't heard back from the research higher-ups if I can have money to live in the area this summer for research purposes (of course, $3000 is always nice). I'm trying to apply for a summer RA job, which will definitely be hotly contested and vied by many, including previous and current RAs (against which I have no chance, given that there are only two positions available). I'm also vying for some DFWI internship involving working (and living?) near Lake George, spending some time collecting water samples and the rest of the time in the lab; not bad at all. My other hopes and dreams are working as a kitchen bitch on a summer camp, being a garden intern at another camp, or even a one-year co-op experience on a farm somewhere; I've pretty much given up hope on getting some sort of IT networking internship, unless I lie to people's faces and say that I'll be changing my major to compsci tomorrow. So, in light of the many applications I will have to fill out, resume flavors to make, and cover letter to tailor, in addition to waaaaay long-overdue social psychology homework (which I can only pray the professor will take and give me partial credit for), I won't be sleeping much for the next couple of days or so (this is night 1).
Adding to the uncertainty is the pressing fact that I still haven't been able to pay for this semester's tuition yet. I know, it's pretty sad and somewhat dangerous for me to be doing so, given that I really can't afford to be making mistakes now, financially or academically. It's already kept me from registering for classes that I should and want to take, which will probably mess up my plans royally. The bursar and financial aid offices don't help much, either: they managed to botch up a previous loan of mine so badly that I myself don't even know how much I owe, much less them. My (imaginary) tuition dollars at work, obviously.
Adding even more to the uncertainty are my grad school prospects: my chances look slimmer the more I consider them. I haven't touched my GRE stuff since I took the practice exam, and I doubt I will be able to even crack open the book until final exams are over. That, and I haven't even started looking at schools yet, much less do I even know what I'm ultimately going for. For now, I'm kind of looking for schools with graduate programs in "horticulture", "plant science", and "plant biology", though I know little of what exactly they entail. And maybe "food science." Fat chance. Ideally I would go to some large far-off school, where I would go tuition-free, in exchange for a lab fellowship and TA-dom, while indulging in such non-RPI things as Chinese classes, vocal lessons, and being the only geek/nerd/gamer/dweeb/etc. within a 50ft radius, all while being as carefree as I please in the world of academia, not giving a damn about the collapsing job market and economy. A man can dream...
Oh yeah, a new picture. Hello world indeed. Goodnight world? Not yet. *yawn*
I find myself uncertain about the next few months in my life. Summer is rearing its ugly head, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I still haven't heard back from the research higher-ups if I can have money to live in the area this summer for research purposes (of course, $3000 is always nice). I'm trying to apply for a summer RA job, which will definitely be hotly contested and vied by many, including previous and current RAs (against which I have no chance, given that there are only two positions available). I'm also vying for some DFWI internship involving working (and living?) near Lake George, spending some time collecting water samples and the rest of the time in the lab; not bad at all. My other hopes and dreams are working as a kitchen bitch on a summer camp, being a garden intern at another camp, or even a one-year co-op experience on a farm somewhere; I've pretty much given up hope on getting some sort of IT networking internship, unless I lie to people's faces and say that I'll be changing my major to compsci tomorrow. So, in light of the many applications I will have to fill out, resume flavors to make, and cover letter to tailor, in addition to waaaaay long-overdue social psychology homework (which I can only pray the professor will take and give me partial credit for), I won't be sleeping much for the next couple of days or so (this is night 1).
Adding to the uncertainty is the pressing fact that I still haven't been able to pay for this semester's tuition yet. I know, it's pretty sad and somewhat dangerous for me to be doing so, given that I really can't afford to be making mistakes now, financially or academically. It's already kept me from registering for classes that I should and want to take, which will probably mess up my plans royally. The bursar and financial aid offices don't help much, either: they managed to botch up a previous loan of mine so badly that I myself don't even know how much I owe, much less them. My (imaginary) tuition dollars at work, obviously.
Adding even more to the uncertainty are my grad school prospects: my chances look slimmer the more I consider them. I haven't touched my GRE stuff since I took the practice exam, and I doubt I will be able to even crack open the book until final exams are over. That, and I haven't even started looking at schools yet, much less do I even know what I'm ultimately going for. For now, I'm kind of looking for schools with graduate programs in "horticulture", "plant science", and "plant biology", though I know little of what exactly they entail. And maybe "food science." Fat chance. Ideally I would go to some large far-off school, where I would go tuition-free, in exchange for a lab fellowship and TA-dom, while indulging in such non-RPI things as Chinese classes, vocal lessons, and being the only geek/nerd/gamer/dweeb/etc. within a 50ft radius, all while being as carefree as I please in the world of academia, not giving a damn about the collapsing job market and economy. A man can dream...
Oh yeah, a new picture. Hello world indeed. Goodnight world? Not yet. *yawn*
11 March, 2009
the not-so-latest meme to be all the rage on facebook
mood: rested
music: "little martha" the allman brothers band
I knew I'd get hit by it eventually: the "25 random things" meme. but ha: I'm not following the meme by spreading it around or tagging people; I figure it'll get to everyone eventually. if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. so, without further ado...
1. I'm usually very shy. I'm always loath to meet new people, or even ask random people for something. One time I was asked to get people to sign a petition, and I didn't get one signature: I was just too afraid. I get a lot more comfortable around people I know.
2. I can be very bitter. There are just some people in the world that I have crossed paths with that just don't resonate well with me; maybe they're just the wrong kind of person (in which case I wouldn't want to know them anyway), or maybe there was a wrong somewhere in our relationship that just hasn't healed (it's usually my fault, sad to say), but there are a few people that I simply do not like, and try like the plague to avoid. Thankfully, these people are few and far between.
3. I love to learn about everything. this has kinda waned (more like refined, focused) since middle/high school, but still exists to this day. I always make an effort to learn something new, or improve on what I know, every so often. In college, this is in the form of weird elective courses like computer networking and chinese, and learning on my own, via the internet/books/tv/people, stuff like blues harmonica and crocheting.
3. I have a weird desire and knack for picking up new skills. I like to think of myself as a collector of skills and techniques. This primarily stems from my love of learning anything. Just recently (i.e. the past few years), I picked up aluminum machining, harmonica, and crocheting, while continuing to learn origami, cooking/baking, and a cappella song arranging.
4. I am a neat freak. I can't get to work at a desk or table until everything is lined up, clean, and streamlined the way I want it. When I was tasked with keeping an office/lounge clean for a semester, I could swear that I was in there every day, picking up litter, straightening up cushions, and making sure all stacks of paper were straight and perpendicular to everything, as well as vacuuming basically every week. Despite all this, however, my room is still a mess (at least I think so), because I am almost never here.
5. I never knew I was good at music until high school. I always knew that I could sing, and I did take some kid piano lessons in middle school, but I really started to grow musically when I picked up trombone. This was abandoned later, when a change of schools had me sitting in the choir, doing quite well, and never looking back. It was in choir that I found out that I had perfect pitch; all along, I though everyone had it, and was confused as to why my peers didn't.
6. I've had very few close friends all though my school years. For some reason I never made very many friends in school. Sure, I'd be acquainted with many people in my classes, and I'd sit with people that I know and like, but, for the most part, I've usually been the lone outsider, content with my relationships with my schoolwork, books, and teachers. I've never really had the experience of having close friends, the type that you hang out with every day after class. To this day, I still eat alone at lunch and struggle to make new friends. (Then again, college changes most things. And Brothers are exempt.)
7. I talk to myself a lot. I don't really notice it until I actually hear myself giving, well, myself, commands to do something. I even tell myself to stop sometimes. I suppose this is because I have a strong tendency to think aloud.
8. I lived the first seven years of my life in the Philippines. I consider those years a happy era, one in which I was surrounded by loving family, everything came easy, and I had fun just running around. The first year in the US was fun and interesting: I found out what lots of new food tasted like (and learned that I liked Pudgie's mashed potatoes and didn't like Froot Loops), what snow was like (thanks to the blizzard of 1996), and that I was labeled "one of them smart Asians" pretty early on.
9. I'm ashamed to say it, but I've never really had a real job. It's never been a goal of mine during high school to aggressively independence and pursue employment as soon as it was legally possible. My summers were spent doing random volunteer work, keeping the house clean, helping mom cook, reading, and playing lots of video games. (I remember the nights I wasted, spent playing games like Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy Tactics.) I aim to put a stop to this once and for all soon, hopefully this summer, if I can get get a green light for research.
10. I've always liked working with computers. It started when my family got our first computer in the late 90s, a Micron with Windows 95, 32MB RAM, a whopping 2GB of hard drive space, and a screaming fast 166MHz Pentium processor (with MMX technology!), with AOL coming in at 56kbps. It came with a huge manual that was more technical than necessary, which I found myself poring over and reading whenever I could, like it was some novel that I couldn't put down. I was pretty much in charge of being the responsible computer guy of the family, doing such "technical" things as defragging the hard drive, making sure we didn't run of hard drive space, installing things properly, and basically making sure the computer didn't die while someone else used it. This progressed to learning A+, then Cisco stuff in high school and college.
11. I have a bad habit of not reading books. I have a list somewhere of books that I should read before I die, which consists mostly of dry, slightly interesting liberal arts fodder such as the "classics" and all the books I should have read at each level in high school. However, once I actually start reading a book on that list, I get bored quite easily and just stop reading. Lately I haven't been reading any books for pleasure at all (barely any textbook reading, either, which bugs me); I believe the last book I read for pleasure was the seventh book in the Harry Potter series.
12. I blame my being fat on the United States. Before I came here, I was a skinny boy from a third-world Asian country. I remember long afternoons spent running around on my grandpa's farm, biking, climbing around, and other physical things kids do when exposed to open outdoor spaces and fresh air. Then I moved to New York City, where my parents feared for our (me and my siblings') lives whenever we walked out to the streets to and from school. As a result, this started my sedentary phase, where I grew into the rut of generic fat American kid. And here I am now, pretty much into adulthood, a hefty 200lb at 5'3". I aim to change this soon.
13. When I'm at home, I'm addicted to PBS, HGTV, and Food Network. Again, I like to learn about things. Discovery Channel and the Science Channel are sometimes flipped to when there's nothing on, but for me, it's usually PBS, HGTV, or Food Network (especially Food Network).
14. I miss cartoons, specifically Looney Tunes and Saturday morning cartoons. The stuff on TV now is crap that pale in comparison to the timelessness and sheer fun of Looney Tunes and Saturday morning cartoons. I remember the cartoons that would give kids everywhere reason to wake up ungodly early on Saturday mornings; these days, nothing can make me wake me up that early on weekends anymore, since the standard thing for students to do is to sleep in and wake up in the afternoon. It might be a sign of the times, or it might be that I'm getting old(er).
15. It might be obvious, but I'm no good at posting regularly on a blog.
16. I procrastinate like crazy, with minesweeper, sudoku, and the school newspaper as my usual poisons of choice. I usually find myself having unnecessary all-nighters because I don't get to really working until around 2am or so, which I find really troubling sometimes.
17. For some reason, I prefer not to listen to music from my collection, preferring instead to listen to the radio. And no, shuffle does not suffice. There is just a certain charm in listening to the radio, a DJ (usually with a cool radio voice) who picks out the songs for you, and not knowing what comes next. It just feels different, and is just more entertaining.
18. I'm having a hard time quelling some of my old, old habits, such as counting my steps, picking at my cuticles, picking my nose, and making sure that I end on my right foot at the top and bottom of stairs.
19. I've performed in Carnegie Hall. Twice. It should have been four times, but I wasn't available at the other two times.
20. If you don't know already, I am really into plants, gardening, and horticulture. I used to have my dorm room windowsill filled with plants (about twenty or so small-ish plants, with a couple of big-ish ones), but they are currently away with a friend, who still has them from when I had to find a caretaker for the winter break. He's currently out on medical leave, but still in the area, though I don't see him too often, much less my plants. Anyway, I learned how to garden mainly from books, the internet, and from one of my teachers from high school, who let me play around in the school greenhouse. I found I really liked it, and considered studying it in high, but then I came to RPI, where virtually anyone biology-related has some animosity for plants, preferring to concentrate on bacteria, cells, neurons, molecules, and cancer instead. Now I want to pursue it in graduate school, if I can't convince people enough to get a job as a gardener fresh out of school.
21. Once I get attached to a song, I will be inescapably stuck to it for hours and hours. I used to have an awesome 15-minute version of Free Bird that I would listen to constantly; I would waste at least an hour each day for weeks just listening to it, on repeat, back to back. It was awesome. This applies somewhat to choir songs, too. What can I say, I'm a choir geek. ^^
22. I love being outside with nature, preferably when it's cold out. If you see me around campus, I'm usually wearing flip-flops and, if it's not terribly below freezing, shorts. I've always wanted to visit, and even move to, Alaska, Scandinavia, Tierra del Fuego, Switzerland, and/or New Zealand, or pretty much anywhere with an abundance of natural beauty and cold weather. It's a wonder why I never went into the Boy Scouts, or went to college to study environmental conservation or something.
23. My favorite food in the world is soup. And maybe stew. With a good hunk of good bread. Everything else is a close second. Come to think of it, I'm not a very picky eater at all. I am a firm believer in the 5-second+ rule. I will usually eat anything, though there are a few exceptions, including offal, anything with tentacles (fried calamari is an exception), and organs (pancreas, tripe, brain and the like)(chicharron bulaklak is another exception).
24. I'm usually indecisive. Right now I'm having a hard time thinking of what to write. Whenever I have to order food, it usually takes me at least five minutes after everyone else has ordered to choose something. Although usually on the decisions that count, the right choice to make is clear (or at least, that's how it's been so far...).
25. It's taken me wayyy too long to do this meme than necessary. In actuality, it's taken me from the ides of February to finally have this list, due to work, sleeplessness, and my laptop entering its geriatric years.
so. yeah. questions? ask away.
music: "little martha" the allman brothers band
I knew I'd get hit by it eventually: the "25 random things" meme. but ha: I'm not following the meme by spreading it around or tagging people; I figure it'll get to everyone eventually. if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. so, without further ado...
1. I'm usually very shy. I'm always loath to meet new people, or even ask random people for something. One time I was asked to get people to sign a petition, and I didn't get one signature: I was just too afraid. I get a lot more comfortable around people I know.
2. I can be very bitter. There are just some people in the world that I have crossed paths with that just don't resonate well with me; maybe they're just the wrong kind of person (in which case I wouldn't want to know them anyway), or maybe there was a wrong somewhere in our relationship that just hasn't healed (it's usually my fault, sad to say), but there are a few people that I simply do not like, and try like the plague to avoid. Thankfully, these people are few and far between.
3. I love to learn about everything. this has kinda waned (more like refined, focused) since middle/high school, but still exists to this day. I always make an effort to learn something new, or improve on what I know, every so often. In college, this is in the form of weird elective courses like computer networking and chinese, and learning on my own, via the internet/books/tv/people, stuff like blues harmonica and crocheting.
3. I have a weird desire and knack for picking up new skills. I like to think of myself as a collector of skills and techniques. This primarily stems from my love of learning anything. Just recently (i.e. the past few years), I picked up aluminum machining, harmonica, and crocheting, while continuing to learn origami, cooking/baking, and a cappella song arranging.
4. I am a neat freak. I can't get to work at a desk or table until everything is lined up, clean, and streamlined the way I want it. When I was tasked with keeping an office/lounge clean for a semester, I could swear that I was in there every day, picking up litter, straightening up cushions, and making sure all stacks of paper were straight and perpendicular to everything, as well as vacuuming basically every week. Despite all this, however, my room is still a mess (at least I think so), because I am almost never here.
5. I never knew I was good at music until high school. I always knew that I could sing, and I did take some kid piano lessons in middle school, but I really started to grow musically when I picked up trombone. This was abandoned later, when a change of schools had me sitting in the choir, doing quite well, and never looking back. It was in choir that I found out that I had perfect pitch; all along, I though everyone had it, and was confused as to why my peers didn't.
6. I've had very few close friends all though my school years. For some reason I never made very many friends in school. Sure, I'd be acquainted with many people in my classes, and I'd sit with people that I know and like, but, for the most part, I've usually been the lone outsider, content with my relationships with my schoolwork, books, and teachers. I've never really had the experience of having close friends, the type that you hang out with every day after class. To this day, I still eat alone at lunch and struggle to make new friends. (Then again, college changes most things. And Brothers are exempt.)
7. I talk to myself a lot. I don't really notice it until I actually hear myself giving, well, myself, commands to do something. I even tell myself to stop sometimes. I suppose this is because I have a strong tendency to think aloud.
8. I lived the first seven years of my life in the Philippines. I consider those years a happy era, one in which I was surrounded by loving family, everything came easy, and I had fun just running around. The first year in the US was fun and interesting: I found out what lots of new food tasted like (and learned that I liked Pudgie's mashed potatoes and didn't like Froot Loops), what snow was like (thanks to the blizzard of 1996), and that I was labeled "one of them smart Asians" pretty early on.
9. I'm ashamed to say it, but I've never really had a real job. It's never been a goal of mine during high school to aggressively independence and pursue employment as soon as it was legally possible. My summers were spent doing random volunteer work, keeping the house clean, helping mom cook, reading, and playing lots of video games. (I remember the nights I wasted, spent playing games like Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy Tactics.) I aim to put a stop to this once and for all soon, hopefully this summer, if I can get get a green light for research.
10. I've always liked working with computers. It started when my family got our first computer in the late 90s, a Micron with Windows 95, 32MB RAM, a whopping 2GB of hard drive space, and a screaming fast 166MHz Pentium processor (with MMX technology!), with AOL coming in at 56kbps. It came with a huge manual that was more technical than necessary, which I found myself poring over and reading whenever I could, like it was some novel that I couldn't put down. I was pretty much in charge of being the responsible computer guy of the family, doing such "technical" things as defragging the hard drive, making sure we didn't run of hard drive space, installing things properly, and basically making sure the computer didn't die while someone else used it. This progressed to learning A+, then Cisco stuff in high school and college.
11. I have a bad habit of not reading books. I have a list somewhere of books that I should read before I die, which consists mostly of dry, slightly interesting liberal arts fodder such as the "classics" and all the books I should have read at each level in high school. However, once I actually start reading a book on that list, I get bored quite easily and just stop reading. Lately I haven't been reading any books for pleasure at all (barely any textbook reading, either, which bugs me); I believe the last book I read for pleasure was the seventh book in the Harry Potter series.
12. I blame my being fat on the United States. Before I came here, I was a skinny boy from a third-world Asian country. I remember long afternoons spent running around on my grandpa's farm, biking, climbing around, and other physical things kids do when exposed to open outdoor spaces and fresh air. Then I moved to New York City, where my parents feared for our (me and my siblings') lives whenever we walked out to the streets to and from school. As a result, this started my sedentary phase, where I grew into the rut of generic fat American kid. And here I am now, pretty much into adulthood, a hefty 200lb at 5'3". I aim to change this soon.
13. When I'm at home, I'm addicted to PBS, HGTV, and Food Network. Again, I like to learn about things. Discovery Channel and the Science Channel are sometimes flipped to when there's nothing on, but for me, it's usually PBS, HGTV, or Food Network (especially Food Network).
14. I miss cartoons, specifically Looney Tunes and Saturday morning cartoons. The stuff on TV now is crap that pale in comparison to the timelessness and sheer fun of Looney Tunes and Saturday morning cartoons. I remember the cartoons that would give kids everywhere reason to wake up ungodly early on Saturday mornings; these days, nothing can make me wake me up that early on weekends anymore, since the standard thing for students to do is to sleep in and wake up in the afternoon. It might be a sign of the times, or it might be that I'm getting old(er).
15. It might be obvious, but I'm no good at posting regularly on a blog.
16. I procrastinate like crazy, with minesweeper, sudoku, and the school newspaper as my usual poisons of choice. I usually find myself having unnecessary all-nighters because I don't get to really working until around 2am or so, which I find really troubling sometimes.
17. For some reason, I prefer not to listen to music from my collection, preferring instead to listen to the radio. And no, shuffle does not suffice. There is just a certain charm in listening to the radio, a DJ (usually with a cool radio voice) who picks out the songs for you, and not knowing what comes next. It just feels different, and is just more entertaining.
18. I'm having a hard time quelling some of my old, old habits, such as counting my steps, picking at my cuticles, picking my nose, and making sure that I end on my right foot at the top and bottom of stairs.
19. I've performed in Carnegie Hall. Twice. It should have been four times, but I wasn't available at the other two times.
20. If you don't know already, I am really into plants, gardening, and horticulture. I used to have my dorm room windowsill filled with plants (about twenty or so small-ish plants, with a couple of big-ish ones), but they are currently away with a friend, who still has them from when I had to find a caretaker for the winter break. He's currently out on medical leave, but still in the area, though I don't see him too often, much less my plants. Anyway, I learned how to garden mainly from books, the internet, and from one of my teachers from high school, who let me play around in the school greenhouse. I found I really liked it, and considered studying it in high, but then I came to RPI, where virtually anyone biology-related has some animosity for plants, preferring to concentrate on bacteria, cells, neurons, molecules, and cancer instead. Now I want to pursue it in graduate school, if I can't convince people enough to get a job as a gardener fresh out of school.
21. Once I get attached to a song, I will be inescapably stuck to it for hours and hours. I used to have an awesome 15-minute version of Free Bird that I would listen to constantly; I would waste at least an hour each day for weeks just listening to it, on repeat, back to back. It was awesome. This applies somewhat to choir songs, too. What can I say, I'm a choir geek. ^^
22. I love being outside with nature, preferably when it's cold out. If you see me around campus, I'm usually wearing flip-flops and, if it's not terribly below freezing, shorts. I've always wanted to visit, and even move to, Alaska, Scandinavia, Tierra del Fuego, Switzerland, and/or New Zealand, or pretty much anywhere with an abundance of natural beauty and cold weather. It's a wonder why I never went into the Boy Scouts, or went to college to study environmental conservation or something.
23. My favorite food in the world is soup. And maybe stew. With a good hunk of good bread. Everything else is a close second. Come to think of it, I'm not a very picky eater at all. I am a firm believer in the 5-second+ rule. I will usually eat anything, though there are a few exceptions, including offal, anything with tentacles (fried calamari is an exception), and organs (pancreas, tripe, brain and the like)(chicharron bulaklak is another exception).
24. I'm usually indecisive. Right now I'm having a hard time thinking of what to write. Whenever I have to order food, it usually takes me at least five minutes after everyone else has ordered to choose something. Although usually on the decisions that count, the right choice to make is clear (or at least, that's how it's been so far...).
25. It's taken me wayyy too long to do this meme than necessary. In actuality, it's taken me from the ides of February to finally have this list, due to work, sleeplessness, and my laptop entering its geriatric years.
so. yeah. questions? ask away.
14 February, 2009
a real post this time
mood: bored, still a bit anxious
music: something random, maybe a ballad from the 90s
I just remembered: I'm already 21. And I haven't drank a dram of alcohol yet. Strange.
In other news, my computer has been spazzing out more lately. At random times it freezes operation and goes black, though the hardware is still running (the fan is still on, the hard drive still spins, it still makes system beeps). It's getting better, especially because I've been trying to keep it busy by ALWAYS playing locally-stored music in the background. It's definitely a hardware issue, as it also blacks out when abruptly moved. It's been okay for a while, but I know I'll need to get it fixed soon (which, knowing the computer helpdesk, means a reimage, at the very least, which means hours backing up media, going to the helpdesk to wipe out its soul, and reteaching the newly wiped computer how to do its old tricks. I don't know why all this is happening to my computer: I treat it well, update it regularly, run the antivirus like a hypochondriac, keep it clean, and don't handle it improperly. And this is what I get?
Coming back to school, I felt uncertain as to what will happen over the course of the next two years. I might be lucky enough to find a loan to pay for this semester's tuition, get a research position on campus (and a nice stipend), finish my stay here in RPI, graduate, and even go to graduate school. Or I might be unlucky enough to not be able to afford going to school, be forced to work until I have good enough credit to possibly get a student loan, find out that the economy is too deep in the shitter to give lowly me a loan for one more year of college, and be forced to enlist in the military, where I plead to my dying day to claim conscientious objector status just so I don't get exposed to combat (and imminent death). I REALLY need a job, every since financial aid yanked work-study away from me last semester, because I probably won't be able to get a loan otherwise; you see, according to how screwed-up the financial world is, my parents can't cosign my loans because of "too many financial obligations," yet I can't seem to get any good financial aid because they make "too much money" (technical term). WTF? Since when is "middle class poverty" reason to NOT help out people? As a result, I've tried to drastically control my spending by forcing myself to use a spreadsheet to track down expenses and revenues (currently $0.00, with bank balances only in the double digits). At least my credit card is clean.
Every day, I try to say to myself:
One day at a time, I will make my way through my life. Some days I'm ahead, some (more like most) days I'm behind, but the race is long, and in the end, it's only with myself.
music: something random, maybe a ballad from the 90s
I just remembered: I'm already 21. And I haven't drank a dram of alcohol yet. Strange.
In other news, my computer has been spazzing out more lately. At random times it freezes operation and goes black, though the hardware is still running (the fan is still on, the hard drive still spins, it still makes system beeps). It's getting better, especially because I've been trying to keep it busy by ALWAYS playing locally-stored music in the background. It's definitely a hardware issue, as it also blacks out when abruptly moved. It's been okay for a while, but I know I'll need to get it fixed soon (which, knowing the computer helpdesk, means a reimage, at the very least, which means hours backing up media, going to the helpdesk to wipe out its soul, and reteaching the newly wiped computer how to do its old tricks. I don't know why all this is happening to my computer: I treat it well, update it regularly, run the antivirus like a hypochondriac, keep it clean, and don't handle it improperly. And this is what I get?
Coming back to school, I felt uncertain as to what will happen over the course of the next two years. I might be lucky enough to find a loan to pay for this semester's tuition, get a research position on campus (and a nice stipend), finish my stay here in RPI, graduate, and even go to graduate school. Or I might be unlucky enough to not be able to afford going to school, be forced to work until I have good enough credit to possibly get a student loan, find out that the economy is too deep in the shitter to give lowly me a loan for one more year of college, and be forced to enlist in the military, where I plead to my dying day to claim conscientious objector status just so I don't get exposed to combat (and imminent death). I REALLY need a job, every since financial aid yanked work-study away from me last semester, because I probably won't be able to get a loan otherwise; you see, according to how screwed-up the financial world is, my parents can't cosign my loans because of "too many financial obligations," yet I can't seem to get any good financial aid because they make "too much money" (technical term). WTF? Since when is "middle class poverty" reason to NOT help out people? As a result, I've tried to drastically control my spending by forcing myself to use a spreadsheet to track down expenses and revenues (currently $0.00, with bank balances only in the double digits). At least my credit card is clean.
Every day, I try to say to myself:
One day at a time, I will make my way through my life. Some days I'm ahead, some (more like most) days I'm behind, but the race is long, and in the end, it's only with myself.
hey look, another post....
mood: bored, slightly anxious (my computer may die out at any moment)
music: whatever will keep my computer running (it keeps it busy)
(disclaimer: I've been trying to write one entry for the past few weeks now, but never got around to finishing it, much less posting it...)
I've been thinking a lot lately...
After some thought, I realized:
I have no dream.
Seriously. I feel like I have nothing to live for, except to do what I like doing for the rest of my life. No overarching ambitions, no ultimate goal, and, I'm surprised to say, little ambition. All I really want to do for the rest of my life to be truly happy (I know, I'm barely in my 20s, so that automatically means I "don't know a damn thing" (Jim David, Comedy Central Presents)) is to be a gardener/groundskeeper at a college somewhere and learn as much as I want, about anything I want, for free. (think "Good Will Hunting" here, except without the good looks and the mathematical prowess.)
Which got me thinking, and leading me to realize another thing:
I have not once experienced a good long hard day of work, and the pleasure of rest afterwards.
also:
I have never had a real "job," the 9-to-5 kind with nothing to do at night save to go to work the next morning.
I admit it: I have been spoiled. It comes partly from my luck of being from a great, loving family, one that supports me in whatever I do, gives me great advice, unnecessarily buys me stuff, and gives me a roof over my head, even after college with "free rent," according to my mom. I sincerely thank my parents for all that they have done for me, but I feel that a lot of the responsibility of the relationship has shifted to the children (i.e., me), now that they are all old enough to be self-sufficient. And I fear that I will not be able to care for my parents as well as they have taken care of me, and for that I carry a bit of shame. Never mind the other things that I just don't have the heart to tell them, like the fact that I'm probably going to have to withdraw from college because the banks won't give me any more money, and that the first stable thing I'm probably going to do afterward is to join the military (that, or a monastic order). It might seem like an easy way out of my troubles, but these are trying times that we live in, and any stability is highly sought after.
... and that's where the original post ends.
I'll have to keep thinking about those things, when I actually have the time (which I do, seeing as it's a long weekend).
music: whatever will keep my computer running (it keeps it busy)
(disclaimer: I've been trying to write one entry for the past few weeks now, but never got around to finishing it, much less posting it...)
I've been thinking a lot lately...
After some thought, I realized:
I have no dream.
Seriously. I feel like I have nothing to live for, except to do what I like doing for the rest of my life. No overarching ambitions, no ultimate goal, and, I'm surprised to say, little ambition.
Which got me thinking, and leading me to realize another thing:
I have not once experienced a good long hard day of work, and the pleasure of rest afterwards.
also:
I have never had a real "job," the 9-to-5 kind with nothing to do at night save to go to work the next morning.
I admit it: I have been spoiled. It comes partly from my luck of being from a great, loving family, one that supports me in whatever I do, gives me great advice, unnecessarily buys me stuff, and gives me a roof over my head, even after college with "free rent," according to my mom. I sincerely thank my parents for all that they have done for me, but I feel that a lot of the responsibility of the relationship has shifted to the children (i.e., me), now that they are all old enough to be self-sufficient.
... and that's where the original post ends.
I'll have to keep thinking about those things, when I actually have the time (which I do, seeing as it's a long weekend).
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